A mother mach-book
I'm not crazy !!!!!!
My mother mach-book for you
"The Go-So-days are really only unprepared for the absolute upper Geil-day. This is so ne kind of natural law. In any Go-Sun-day comes, at least one upper Geil tag. Yes, otherwise everything is off balance. "
Posted by Stella should consist of All-That-Counts
foreword for me or what schizophrenia
is a book in my opinion be constructed always exciting to captivate the reader.
But this is not me in the first place to this tension. So I write my main findings immediately and the first thing on
Since I do not could accept that I am "crazy" has become, I started very early after onset of illness to look for answers. The first lesson, which I found that I really liked was in a thick booklet inconspicuous hidden between other medical books to work. I then translated it for me like this: Between all the nerves in the brain are small gaps. Thus, the data that the brain needs to process, can be transmitted in spite of these gaps, there is the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fills the gaps, so to speak, producing a connection between the nerve. cut with schizophrenia, these compounds between the nerves in the brain do not indicate, because something with the dopamine production is not true. In an acute attack everything falls apart, like a heart attack in the brain. This disease can be inherited.
This finding told me I can not help it! And there's a scientific reason that I'm crazy. And it happened to me, because this disease has occurred once before in my family.
That was the absolute release for me. I am not without reason, just once rotated through - for which I am so ashamed.
Could not reassure you this idea very much?
Over the years during which I was always more about the disease and also more open talking that I'm sick, rewrote I need to not use the word schizophrenia have the disease more so that my metabolism in the brain does not properly hinhaut and therefore in my impressions from outside are not processed properly and I am nervous this badly. So that I could live better than any to say immediately: I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA.
But for the first time from the start. My thoughts
2007 - or, my story of how it all began
I'm not crazy!!
But, I was there!
But I want to tell you from the start.
February 1995 (I was almost 29 years old), I woke up in intensive care and did not know remember what happened last night was with me. My last memory was that I am incredibly excited about the evening, my then husband was because he always drank too much alcohol. I sat (7 and 9 years old) with my sons in the tub with them and forged a secret plan for life without their dad. Last memories in bits and pieces I had then only because I was wandering through the dark night, on the way to my sister in law and then to my parents. There I, the ever calm and balanced Ina'm freaked out.
S chnitt - no memory.
whispered to the ICU me a very nice, sympathetic sister of well-meaning, that I agree to be treated strictly. But I knew at that moment have no idea what I should be treated.
from the intensive care of me was a computed tomography (CT) made my head and then a lumbar puncture, cerebrospinal fluid while I was pulled out of my spine. I felt all this not as bad, I felt fine and I wanted to go home. But the doctors recommended that I allow myself treated in a psychiatric ward. Hm, psychiatry - so I was well-shot in the previous night. I agreed reluctantly to the immediate transfer.
psychiatry - I felt so uncomfortable in my small single room. A whole lot of pressure on my chest, I would love to just simply gone.
the physician who hereinsah with me, I asked her to help me in my distress. He gave me pills, I slept very deeply. When I was awakened for supper, I could not stop my eyes. And then I slept on.
I got used to it pretty quickly to the clinical work and took part in various activities such as table tennis, dancing and entertained me with the nice fellow patients.
After two weeks I moved in the day hospital, which meant on the same station, but I went in the afternoon to go home.
I talked a lot with a 17-year-old, who suffered from anorexia and we also visited in a group one day a commercial printer. Meanwhile, I felt very well, the clinic was my castle - my defense against all the stress out there. Later, when I drove past the hospital, I remembered how I was protected here. Her appearance looked like they would want to confirm this, a mansion with turrets, like a castle.
had with my then husband, I will return to normal, not very happy day, I had resigned from his drinking and no power to end this relationship. I just thought no more about it, because I had enough to do with me.
After two weeks of day hospital was I have to work again. The last days in the outpatient clinic, I am make-up again. A sister noticed that I looked fresh again.
The life I had again.
But then, depression - a pitch-black hole, a feeling of absolute emptiness, joy in anything, not even at the get-together with my sweet kids - came over me. It was one of the worst feelings that I had ever experienced. I was restless in our apartment and down would be like to run away from myself, I felt so incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. Desperate, I called my mom, I was so clueless. What was the matter with me.
The best what to do in the situation could my visit was the family doctor. My former psychiatrist had only as "wise" words for me, like "you do something nice, you play with your children." But my doctor gave me some wonderful ones. After a short time, my mood brightened and stayed like that when I put down the tablets.
this so I had bad feelings have not experience again. But, as they say, that I do not wish on my worst enemy!
My medication for the schizophrenia I took, albeit reluctantly, on.
informed properly about the disease I was not. My former psychiatrist said only briefly, I felt guilty for what I have done stupid things during my first thrust, because you can not help it, it's like a heart attack in the brain. But the guilt remained even only once. I am so and more of an introvert and it was so embarrassing, as I have rumgesponnen. This was reinforced after my second attack during chemotherapy. And then found his coronation, when I push for a third lighter in 1999, so useless things have done, how to work a sign in the waiting room to bring "Smile" and the authority on a very inappropriate. I did not want to be different than the others, just "normal".
The Thrust during my chemotherapy in 1997 I was even fixed to the bed and I could not afterwards remember why, what I had done. The only thing I was then told fellow patients, that I conducted the entire dining room in psychiatry, they should all sing well. More I did not know.
In any case, it was from today's perspective is always a reason why I was given a boost. It was always preceded great stress. In 1997 it was dying of cancer disease and the great fear, because it was the penultimate stage already. In 1999 I had within two months, two serious traffic accidents and also no sympathy and no support from my former husband
The longer I had the disease, the more I was interested in the background. I was always looking for the reason, why is all this happening to me. Once I discovered a small brochure and here I read that schizophrenia is associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine in context. I understood this to mean that this dopamine is important for the connection of the nerves in the brain. I could now imagine that dopamine may be repealed by me and by the thoughts in my head are thrown into turmoil - with no sense. Now I internalized so gradually that I do da do can not help it. But self-doubt still remained. I was not crazy be!
But, this internalized feeling that I wanted to not give me the strength after 3 Thrust 1999 live as normally as possible. I raised my children continue to grow up, I went to work at my part-time job, well, the budget, I did not manage so well, but the other was more important to me. I even managed to tear myself away at last to the end of 2001 from my then husband. For this I needed a lot of power because he could not accept it that I have drawn the final stroke, and accordingly he paid no child support for the guys. But even all this I managed. And the most important thing was then, decided that my two boys to stay with me. This was so important for my mother's heart.
I went in search of my dream man of whom I had dreamed of so often, because I in my previous marriage so much lack of love, tenderness, understanding and care. I suffered some setbacks in the period to 2004 I found him then.
now 2007, I've lived almost 2 years with this wonderful man. He was interested in so much for this disease, so we had many discussions about both. Thus I became more and more clear about the disease and could gradually much more open about it.
I had often thought that my experience with schizophrenia like to others People would pass. And as I write rather than speak, I sit here in glorious sunshine on our balcony and started to write this book.
January 2009 - I was so in the clinic will
it on any longer! I'm doing really bad for 2 weeks, the inner turmoil and restlessness is more unbearable, my nerves strike total, I will put too much and I really treasure at the end of his tether. He has to throw the whole budget alone and organize and listen while I am building, to encourage people to suffer with me.
It is the best and it was high time that I am here at the clinic, I landed Department of Psychiatry.
I was ever in 1995 in this hospital, and in a completely different. At that time it was housed in a beautiful old mansion, but now a few years, a large modern building emerged. Thus, it was all new to me again.
Even at the reception waiting for me an envelope of calm, comfort and balance.
Suddenly they were gone, the excitement, where the heart is beating to the head, the many thoughts and the fear of what will probably expect me.
Now it could start for me, the adventure of psychiatry.
Yes, I felt it here as an adventure and was looking forward to once calmly on, what to expect in the next few weeks for me here.
I realized that I, though I was miserable, all perceived as much more aware in 1995 or in 1997.
X
I kept a diary from which I publish excerpts here:
Thursday, 15.01.2009 22.00 clock
me is it really good here. I feel lifted very well and good.
DC today, shortly after I arrived on station, I had a very long consultation with the doctor. Such a doctor, I've never seen! He's really all you can ask to the disease asked, and listened very well and with understanding. I was and am thrilled.
Since I last drug to treat schizophrenia (Abilify) is not tolerated have - since I'm so nervous and can hardly sleep - I get back to the previous (Risperdal), which has done me for years very well, in high doses (4 mg) . Moreover, a tablet at night to calm and sleep.
morning I get my treatment plan, because then I know if I occupational therapy, speech therapy, or what ever get.
In any case, I have full output and may even go any time after the therapies in the city. But I was still too much. I do not need much sleep - I am just sick.
So, now I hope I sleep soon, I'm still so restless and nervous.
Friday, 16/01/2009 6.00 Clock
I slept from about 4.00 bis 23.00 clock clock well. The tablet has worked to calm so a little bit.
Wednesday, 01/21/2009 after 15.00 clock
I never saw strange faces in famous people and so abundant that I just was sane. Only with all the strength I could prevent activated. I had 15.00 clock again a very good talk with my doctor. He told me all well explained and now the sedatives increased.
Wednesday, 01.21.2000 19.00 clock
I want to tell about the last days. And I have I am comfortable in my bed made, because I feel really at home here already.
A visitor said this, here it's like a spa oasis. And I've found that I feel almost like a private patient.
wellness oasis because here was on Tuesday, the foot care for me and tomorrow is the barber.
and private patients, especially because one has a sister who is responsible for one, as caregiver. But the other nurses are very friendly and helpful. When I say one that I feel bad, you know in no time and soon the others and when you meet them, ask them right after, as a goes.
I have not experienced any unfriendly sister, or one that could not stand me.
Well, and the doctor is an absolute tip. He said an all very well, so that no questions remain open.
When I was in the afternoon with him today because I carried the tablets conversion went very badly, he could reassure me well. I'm always afraid that I like 1995 and 1997, turn so that I do not know what I do.
Because my biggest problem since August 2008 is that I'm so weak and listless (hence the move to have the medicine, which I did not tolerate), I will now get a completely new drug. It is Zeldox. He has to be so stated that he has discussed it with the other doctors and they also have reached an agreement to perform this conversion, so I am more active and get more power for everyday life.
The change is a long task, it can take up to 4 weeks.
I have enough patience and even the strength for it. I hope it stays that way.
So now it gives me only once, by letter, the tablets make getting tired.
Thursday, 01/22/2009
Last night was very exhausting and I have become scared to death several times. The keeper of the night service advised me to write up the experience for the doctors.
And see the notes of the Last night from:
24.00 Clock
I woke with the feeling of spin, at the same time I smelled smoke for a moment, what then was quickly gone again. My heart was beating very fast and I had to spin great fear. I then calmed by knitting and drinking tea, and I also got a tranquilizer pill. What I noticed was that I had to work very hard to remember my time.
was half an hour I sleep again, without fear thoughts.
1.30 Clock
I'm awake by direct psychotic experiences, but I can not remember now. I really feel now I am psychotic with delusions.
My next bed was at the same time awake and distracted me and calmed me. On their advice, I drank in small sips of water, then I could sleep again.
I was so tired at the moment that I went to sleep without fear of the next attack.
5.00 Clock
I woke up confused, without psychotic experiences. I woke up and remembered how my name, but not where I live.
When I wanted to go to the nurse, it smelled for about 1 second very strongly of chemicals in the hall, then was suddenly gone.
As I thought about how the other experience was at night, I was dizzy and hot in the head and it has very loud rustling. I calmed down by a conversation with the nurse.
have these notes to the doctors add, I still wrote the following:
fell in recent days to me is that I have very great difficulty with concentration and word finding. This is particularly intense when I'm excited. Otherwise at rest while writing I can concentrate better. I notice also here that the thoughts wander again and again. In interviews this wandering and unfocused being so strong that I can no longer follow the conversation.
Saturday, 01.31.2009 15.00 clock
How goes the time here, I was not even boring.
Since my last line is pretty much happened.
me it was a long time very bad. I even had delusions and hallucinations. My doctor told me that my metabolism is derailed in the brain by switching to the drug prior to hospitalization and has triggered a burst of schizophrenia.
I felt that pushing very hard and had to mobilize all my strength to not so much spin, that I do not know what I am instead. Fortunately, I had such a way, that I knew every time I did and what was going on inside me.
My doctor and the nurses were always - day and night - for me and immediately with the right words and the right pills on the spot. So that I could calm down again soon and I slept a lot. have
I must have looked bad, like a whitewashed wall, right and sick and old, so now more people here have found that I now look a lot better.
This week I had no cognitive impairment more. I went a half a day or well, the next day I had another very unpleasant tingling sensation head, so in exchange, so I always had as one day to catch it. When it
me this week on a single day went really bad - my head tingled me up into his arms and hands, I again had the familiar feeling that I would prefer to run away from my body, it was so uncomfortable - was because the sister who does everything with a few words on a point, to my bedside and said only a few words: "The nerves are on edge." The
went on me then like a light. Of course! That's what this is, this is the cause!
My psychiatrist had not there always understood me and always said, these are tensions and referred me to peppermint oil, which has not helped.
And this is the sister of my bed and served me with understanding the solution. The good is, however, there is a drug where I no longer can fall asleep like at home, rumquälen must, but very relaxed. The Truxal, which I currently get anyway, three times a day to calm. The sisters must me on the orders of the doctor also give between.
My doctor told me that it is a weak neuroleptic, which is calming and promotes sleep. The good thing is, it is not addictive. That's just the magic that I have longed for me for years so much.
My treatment plan is still not very busy. The others have a much tighter range. In this case, it bears noting that this treatment plan is adhered to. One had to go from here already, because he has not seen, to have to do morning exercises.
I'll just something very closely and am also very conscientious, I also feel that it does me good. After consultation with the doctor, I can apologize, but some day when I feel bad. Once I
have taken it this week. And that was good because I think I have counteracted a further spurt of psychosis.
the way, since Tuesday I go from 9.15 bis 10.15 clock clock to a group where all have schizophrenia. This group is managed by a doctor, a psychologist and I run very sympathetic sister.
It was such an indescribable feeling when I got there there the first time. I did not know, that there are so many with this disease. I was stunned, very surprised and felt immediately in this group incredibly well. Now I'm looking forward to again next Tuesday.
I could write so much, I experience here so much. This is ample material for a new book.
Each roommate has a story and we all get along well. We are like one big family and comfort each other, encourage us through small jokes and watch each other on each other.
My Mario
I am writing today in the right mood. I'm doing this afternoon, after I've slept a lot and drank strong coffee in the cafeteria, so good that I enjoy it very straight.
here I want to write something about my Mario.
I honestly do not know where to start. There are so many nice things about him and our relationship to say.
Every day he had been here with me in the hospital. Only today he has taken once a day or time out. But he has also been called twice and a smile to my face conjured up as many times and have been for 5 years and not only now, but just too heavy at this time.
Where to start. In so carefully folded clothes, which he puts me here always so neatly in the closet, so I am happy do when I take out a piece of clothing. Or would you prefer from our almost daily table tennis game where we have so much fun and always laughing. It is only when I'm too badly. Then he sits at my bedside and encouraged me. Or we go to the cafeteria, a coffee cozy. This often puts on ice or even a piece of cake. And then we talk so beautiful. The disease is rarely an issue. We have to tell even after 5 years again so much.
But most of all I would like to tell of the difficult weeks before this hospital stay. Since we both get to the highest of our borders. Mario was my lover, my friend, as always, but he was my therapist. That has cost him so much power that it then when I finally was in the hospital, sleep was nervous and he was totally finished with visual disturbances and other complaints. Only a joint meeting with my doctor here in the clinic has helped him to get back his well-deserved and very important sleep.
And I also believe this secure feeling that I am in really good hands and he no longer have to worry about me have such bad as before the hospitalization, has helped.
We no longer have to constantly, every minute, day and night, to talk about my illness, as against the last few weeks my training was. We have now thankfully still others, more beautiful and more relaxing topics.
And I can also report the Mario, who would now like to come here yet, although the day was to be his Ausspanntag. And that only because I am this morning again very bad. Luckily I was able to reassure him, because I never feel lonely here.
between Mario and me this is such a unique and wonderful love. A fellow patient said we look like twins.
Still Saturday, 01.31.2009 15.45 clock
coffee at the station is just over, it was a small piece of sponge cake and coffee substitute.
a roommate gave me also his pack of butter cookies with chocolate. Yes, here is already well known that I am a big sweet tooth.
Also, another roommate always provided me with additional pudding, yogurt, and my beloved parsley. And I am already
landed at my dear fellow patients. I had already written that we are like one big family. The have already found the sisters and said that something like this is still not there.
We are exactly 20 people, a diverse group. As grannies with dementia are a grandpa with bone pain, which may also come from the psyche. Women between the ages of my mother with depression and our chicks. They cut themselves because their great emotional pain need a valve. She eats so much plum jam and the men get to their table for breakfast and her dinner still these little boxes of grape jelly. Or is there a woman in my age, depression and anxiety and thereby also has scratches. I have now started to knit her a couple of cuffs for the arms because she is so much wants to hide her scars and she has no one to knit her some.
A man is like a big brother to me, but sometimes a shoulder to cry on need. He is such a good-natured, but if it goes against the grain, some Injustice, then he can disengage pretty. When human-get angry-you-not playing here he pulls together powerful. At home, he says, he may not play because he can not lose. He speaks with so much pride and love of his wife.
Or my roommate, delicious to me before, and even mixed dolle sweetened peppermint herbal fruit tea brings, if I really badly. She is 67 years old and does well on it once that I am covered right at the back.
We have maintained for several hours in the night to us in detail, because I, or sometimes we both could not sleep. But if I just once with no complaints in the night awake one hour, then I very carefully sneak out of the room and knit outside in the hallway to the sitting area across from the sister center, or male or sometimes write just like now in my diary. When she wakes up then she is surprised every time I've done it again, I rauszuschleichen unnoticed.
And in the middle I, as a silent observer, sometimes smiling, sometimes amazed and be sure to carefully listening, or if someone wants to tell me about his life or suffering. And I realize that every time that I, too, already have so much life experience that I can give advice or even a properly mounted encouraging word.
